Tuesday, June 20, 2006

Wow, I'm human after all.

Today started out like any other day. Drive to work, morning meeting, make a few phone calls, no big deal. Jack*, I have known since I first started working here, came by my office and asked if I had heard about Sami*. I said no, he said follow me outside. Sami who had been having some problems at work and eventually quit a few weeks ago, decided she had had enough. Last night, after writing a note to another office worker, she commited suicide. I don't know the details of how or exactly why, but it caught me in just the wrongway I had to leave work. I thought I would be fine, but after about 15 minutes by myself in the break room, I knew I had to get out of the office. I could barely speak loud enough to tell my manager I was leaving for the day. He followed me outside, where I told him what was going on, he had no clue, but he understood the need to run away. I guess its a guy thing. I felt a little better after driving for a half hour and stopped by to tell my wife what happened. The thing that I can't figure out is why am I so disturbed by her suicide. I shouldn't be, after all I am a man and men don't cry. I barely knew her outside of work and the occasional happy hour where she appeared after finding out that a group from work went to the local dive on fridays for wings, beer and to shoot some pool. I don't think I even knew her last name. I think possible my anger our recent management issues and why people have left is at the root of it all. Two people had to leave for illness and excessive use of PTO. Sami same thing but a different type of illness. She had even said at one point that she wanted to kill herself. So the signs were there but nobody really bothered to do anything. Somebody needs to slap me across the face and yell "keep it together you big baby!" Then I'll go drink myself into a stupor. No, typical man behavior and I don't have anything I would be willing to waste like that. So I'll write this and play a video game or two. I feel a little better. I think that there is never a good enough reason to end it all. Wait a day and there will be something simple to show I'm right. A favorite song on the radio, a few dolphins playing near the beach or a soft purring cat asleep next to the laptop. The video games help a little, just hope I can be at work tomorrow and not have to talk to co-workers much.
- just what I didn't want to know. It was Colonel Mustard in the dining room with the candelstick. She had a book on how to do it, and did it just right obviously. There should be electronic tags on books like that to inform proper people in a timely manner. She had gone un-noticed for a week.

Sunday, June 04, 2006

Long time No C!

Top 10 things that have happened in the past month

1.X-Men III- loved it.
2.The Break Up- breaks new ground for chick flick by including a guy's p.o.v. (you never buy me flowers... you told me you don't like flowers!)
3.Best cigar I've had lately- C.A.O. Brazilia
4.Lost 20 lbs so far- still can't run one damn mile
5.Little sister got engaged- congrats! Now where's my wedding present?
6. Played in Texas Hold'em, no limit tournament, 2000 entered, I finished 9th.
7. Saw trailer for Ghost Rider.
8. Saw trailer for Snakes On A Plane. I will actually see this in the first week. I predict best August opening EVER! Internet buzz so strong, they refilmed a scene for Sam- "...get these motherfuckin' snakes off the plane!" which came from a parody film.
Not neccessarily in that order.
Oh, and sorry there's only eight, but Top Eight list just doesn't have the same ring to it.
I kill me!

Wednesday, April 26, 2006

New Rules for 2006

New Rule: Stop giving me that pop-up ad for Classmates.com! There's a reason you don't talk to people for 25 years. Because you don't particularly likethem! Besides, I already know what the captain of the football team is doing these days: mowing my lawn.
New Rule: Don't eat anything that's served to you out a window unless you'rea seagull. People are acting all shocked that a human finger was found in a bowl of Wendy's chili. Hey, it cost less than a dollar. What did you expect it to contain? Trout? Luckily, it was only a finger! If it was a whole hand,Congress would have voted to keep it alive.
New Rule: Stop saying that teenage boys who have sex with their hot,blondteachers are permanently damaged. I have a better description for thesekids: lucky bastards.
New Rule: Ladies, leave your eyebrows alone. Here's how much men care aboutyour eyebrows: do you have two of them? Okay, we're done.
New Rule: There's no such thing as flavored water. There's a whole aisle ofthis crap at the supermarket, water, but without that watery taste. Sorry,but flavored water is called a soft drink. You want flavored water? Pour some scotch over ice and let it melt. That's your flavored water.New Rule: The more complicated the Starbucks order, the bigger the asshole.If you walk into a Starbucks and order a "decaf grande half-soy, half-low fat, iced vanilla, double-shot, gingerbread cappuccino, extra dry, lightice, with one Sweet-n'-Low and one NutraSweet," ooh, you're a huge a-hole.
New Rule: Just because your tattoo has Chinese characters in it doesn't make you spiritual. It's right above the crack of your ass. And it translates to"beef with broccoli." The last time you did anything spiritual, you were praying to God you weren't pregnant. You're not spiritual. You're just high.
New Rule: Competitive eating isn't a sport. It's one of the seven deadlysins. ESPN recently televised the US Open of Competitive Eating, becausewatching those athletes at the poker table was just too damned exciting. What's next, competitive farting? Oh wait. They're already doing that. It'scalled "The Howard Stern Show."
New Rule: If you're going to insist on making movies based on crappy, oldtelevision shows, then you have to give everyone in the Cineplex a remote sowe can see what's playing on the other screens. Let's remember the reason something was a television show in the first place is the idea wasn't goodenough to be a movie.
New Rule: No more gift registries. You know, it used to be just for weddings.Now it's for babies and new homes and graduations from rehab. Picking up thestuff you want and having other people buy it for you isn't gift giving, it's a version of looting.
New Rule: and this one is long overdue: No more bathroom attendants. After Izip up, some guy is offering me a towel and a mint like I just had sex withGeorge Michael. I can't even tell if he's supposed to be there, or just some freak with a fetish. I don't want to be on your web cam, dude. I just want to wash my hands.
New Rule: When I ask how old your toddler is, I don't need to know in months."27 Months." "He's two," will do just fine. He's not a cheese. And I didn't really care in the first place.
I kill me!

Tuesday, April 04, 2006

April Fools!!

Yeah, in case you didn't figure it out...
I'm not pregnant.
So anyways how are you going to celebrate April 5th?
Don't know what's going on? Who cares! Who needs a reason to party. Stay up late tonite to celebrate the unusual union of you clock and calender. 1:02:03 am on 4/05/06!
Anybody up for a couple of 40's!!
Not like I can sleep anyways with the clocks changed.

Saturday, April 01, 2006

Love you long time

So its been a long time. I have been working 80 hour weeks. I even helped my boss, on a Saturday no less, move from Orlando to Tampa. First was to get to the Tampa house at 7am. Drive to the ghetto of Orlando to pick up the rental moving truck, talk to a crack whore, watch toothless rednecks get their beer for the day and eat a crappy breakfast all by 10am. Moving the stuff in the truck wasn't too bad. Good thing they brought me along for the muscle or some of the larger items were going to get left behind. But at least I found out I had been promoted to manager. Just in time, my wife and I had been thinking about getting a house finally. Then she tells me there is a problem. Well, maybe it will work out to be a good thing. She's pregnant!! Probably 7.5 months from now I will know what Frankenstein will look like. I guess I will get the place we have been looking at in a village near us. I was fine dealing with the pitter-patter of tiny feet when it was only the cat. Hopefully, Luci doesn't decide to sleep on its face. Cats tend to do that.
In other news, Lord of the Rings opened for the stage in Toronto. Something like a $23 million production. UCLA is crushing LSU, will play Florida for title on Monday. I really couldn't care who wins. Wouldn't make a difference to the bills I have to pay for the next 25 years. Christopher Walken's b-day was yesterday. Cool bio, but could have used a little more cowbell.
Plan 9 from Outer Space is coming out on DVD. If you haven't seen Johnny Depp as Ed Wood, get that, then Plan 9. Bonus on the DVD is an audio commentary by MST3000.
Found a fun little article comparing Aslan from Narnia and Hobbes from Calvin and Hobbes. Yeah its by a Christian based news website but it still had its merits. Plus the DVD comes out on Tuesday. I saw it in the theatres and its really good.
Well now its off to bed, cuz the game isn't worth watching any longer.
BTW, did anyone notice the giant phallic member hanging out on either end of the court?
I kill me!

Saturday, March 18, 2006

Random Thoughts

Finally, The Sopranos is back on after a two year hiatus. It appears as though FEMA has taken over production. What the hell did Junior say to Tony when he shot him?
Bald chicks in movies again. Natalie Portman gets shaved in V for Vendetta. I haven't seen it but I think there are two better baldies. Demi Moore in GI Jane and Sigourney Weaver in Alien3, for sheer bad-ass factor. It was St Pat's day, I worked a 14 hour day and ate dinner by myself at Smokey Bones. I didn't even have a Guinness. What kind of freaky Irishman am I? Oh wait, I'm not Irish! But I could use a Guinness right now, would be great for breakfast.
This week's sign of the Apocalypse- IceT is going to play the teacher from Welcome Back Kotter. Also, a list of the World's Greatest actors came out, obviously only English actors are included because anybody who doesn't speak English sucks (sorry Ken Watanabe.) Great names on the list most people will recognize and agree with but I have a problem with #2. It just doesn't work for me. I have enjoyed Depp's movies, but there is no way he is above the rest of the Top 10. You decide.
RIP- creator of the Chicken McNugget
Test your mouse. If you spend a lot of time on the computer, your mouse might be out of sync. To recalibrate, click and drag the S toward the e. If it doesn't work check your settings and run a diagnostic on the mouse.

S top fucking around and go do something constructive

I kill me!

Friday, March 10, 2006

Any given friday

Alright, its that time of the week again. Two days of no work and I have nothing to do. Except attend my first gay wedding. Now, don't get me wrong, I did have choices for how to spend my weekend. I could have attended a seminar on investing or played poker with the guys from work, for real money this time! But, no wedding it is! Guess who made that decision. Maybe I'll get to smoke a cigar anyways. The seminar I was going to attend, I found out from a seminar I attended on Wednesday. Zig Ziglar, Steve Forbes, Colin Powell were all very good speakers. George Foreman, I think has taken a few too many punches and isn't the best speaker. Most of the audience was wondering if he was going to give away a grill. There was also Chris Simms. Probably the only player available for this gig. He sounded like he could have been doing the same thing on a Sunday after the game. Thankfully they finished the day with Rudy Giuliani. He was a good pick for this area, being a red state and all. Actually he was the best speaker of the day.
In other news, you need to buy a cross cut shredder ASAP. Target has them for $20. The following website details how he tore up the application into little pieces, taped them back together, sent it in and received a card with a $5000 limit.
And finally, nothing but greatness coming out of Florida!!

Monday, March 06, 2006

I'll take two of those...

After watching a very boring Academy Awards show, I'll have to admit, I really didn't watch many movies in the past year. Not that I would have seen many of the nominated films. Has anyone ever seen the short live and animated films before they nominated? How do these things get judged and if they are so good, why hasn't the general public seen them more widely. How about showing these instead of the endless damn stream of commercials the theatre's make us sit through. Although, it is nice to have a 4:15 showtime and know that you can show up about 15 minutes late and maybe only have missed the trailers. But, I really like trailers, so I have to subject myself to the damn Ford and Coke commercials. Fandango is tolerable with the puppets and I am sick of the fake trailer that reminds you to turn off your cell phone. Nobody really does anyways, I don't. How else am I going to be able to see how long the movie might have left when I'm either bored or really have to take Pedro to the restroom. Last year, I did see a decent bunch of movies. I made it worth my time with only a few exceptions.
Doom was the worst, it could have been so much better, watching it in DC with Paul and Ted made it tolerable. War of the Worlds was good, anyone could have played the parts, Tom Cruise will do almost the exact same acting, as seen in the MI III trailer (run wild eyed at the camera with explosions and crap happening behind him.) Revenge of the Sith, Goblet of Fire, and Narnia were the best of the bunch for me, followed closely by March of the Penguins for sheer got-to-see-it-in-the-theatre pleasure. Walk the Line was a great story and Batman Returns was hopefully the return of a great franchise, there couldn't have been a better pick than Christian "I have to return some videotapes" Bale. 40yr old Virgin and Wedding Crashers my picks for funniest, thank you Kelly Clarkson.
Upcoming movies this year holds some promise with the season getting an early start. good timing for Ice Age II when most of the country tries to break out of the winter into spring and next weekend is V for Vendetta. The Wachowski bros try to make up for the craptacular sequels to the Matrix. I still haven't bought the third one yet. The Beastie Boys movie will be out the end of March but a limited release, probably only in the arthouses. Tenacious D is still not out, at first supposed to be December 05 now March, now nobody knows. OOOOO, XMen III trailer on 24, hold on....
WOW, that's going to be a lot to cram into 2.5 hrs. Should be one of the better draws this year since this will probably be the last XMen movie, maybe Wolverine by himself. Maybe nothing to see until the Sentinel, MI III, and the DaVinci Code which might win the Summer BO. Closely followed by Pirates of the Caribbean: The Curse of the Black Pearl (Monkey!) and the movie I want to see the most Eragon (June 16.) I'll let you torture yourself with SOAP. Yes its real, and Sam Jackson is in it. I kill me!

Saturday, March 04, 2006


George Bush is at it again. Thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you!
He makes it so easy to have something to say on a regular basis. Make up your own MasterCard-Priceless joke and send it in. Again, the White House goes through a lot to cover up the stupidity of our leaders. First, Cheney shoots a guy and its delayed for a day. Now, this is from July?! Holy crap! He skidded on the road for 15 feet! Pic goodness shows a damaged wing and he hurt one of the constables there to protect him. I guess later W called to ask how he was and apologize. How did nobody know about this until now?! WooHoo! Three more years! Then there's this jem about the up coming Oscars.
I'll be glad to talk about ranching, but I haven't seen the movie. I've heard about it. I hope you go—you know—I hope you go back to the ranch and the farm is what I'm about to say."—Explaining that he hasn't yet seen Brokeback Mountain
I kill me!

Thursday, March 02, 2006

What the hell was that?

So my wife and I decide to get dinner form a nearby restaurant that serves as one of the regular "goto" choices. While waiting for my order I decide to imbibe a Winter Lager from Sam Adams. One of my favorites and if you happen to be a homebrewer or wannabe, the annual homebrew contest is accepting entries. Anyways, a commercial come on whatever channel was showing the Doral open, Tiger is currently in the lead. I think its the USA network, but that's not important. Look for a commercial with Penn and Teller plus some other golfer. I have not a clue who it was, but I do know that they were on a golf course, teller was serving as caddy to Penn. Penn was blabbering about something. Sitting at the bar I finishing my beer and ordering a second, I suddenly realized... I had no clue what that commercial was pitching! Seriously, there was a car in the background, some golfer, but all I cared about was watching Teller be the sight gag. Well, that was money well spent!
Also, right now the NFL has not made up their mind how much money they want to gouge out of us. They are the number one sport in the US and the owners are so greedy right now. But they are willing to screw up the sport and its fanbase for the sake of a few percentage points over the course of a few hundred billion dollars. Might mean 150-300 million dollars per year per owner. Ok, I'm making that up off the bottom of my feet. But whatever happens, I will call my prediction right now. Denver will pick up Terrell Owens and win the Super Bowl. I'm on my way to Vegas right now. BTW, that awesome show has been moved to Friday 9pm, the death knell rings. I kill me!

Wednesday, March 01, 2006

Its Genetic!

This is great. Its all explained. Everybody has an excuse of why they are fat now. All possible excuses are now explained by genetics or mental problems. No more having to admit that I need to get my fat ass off the couch, stop watching so much TV, spend less time on the computer, get outside more. Pretty soon this will be in a court somewhere and the defense will be:
I got a cold and was infected with a fat virus...
I don't have enough/ have too much hormones...
I'm stressed...
my wife is pregnant... i was... wait back up a sec, we have something else we can blame on someone else? So now we know that male monkeys experience pregnancy symptoms like the ones human males do and we thought it was all in their heads. But, still no cure for cancer. I kill me!

Denny Crane.

Star Trek.
TJ Hooker.
Wrath of Khan.
Has Been- genius btw, buy it here
Boston Legal
and as if selling a kidney stone to GoldenPalace.com
wasn't cool/bad (take your pick) enough now there is this.
Crappy movies nobody has seen before or will admit too. I'm really close to joining just so I could create my own Mystery Science Theatre 3000 podcast. How cool would that be? Me, my cat and my wiseass robot reviewing movies! So first I could comment on how Shatner looks like he got a crappy facelift for the movie. Oh wait, dammit, no camera, and no robot. Dammit, nobody but me knows me cat talks to me either. I kill me!

The women suck.

Yeah, I've dropped the ball a little and haven't posted as much as I should have. Well, get ready for the granddaddy of all posts! jk
Did you hear about the guy in Norway that was fishing with dynamite? It was really effective until he blew his hand off. Seemed to be a really good idea, stunned fish just float up. Got to give him a hand.
I guess people in Columbus, Ohio still use a home delivery diaper service. A truck overturned and a man driving a car drove through a pile of soiled diapers, went off the road and over a bridge. Police noticed extremely long skid marks at the crash site. One officer commented, "What a crappy way to go."
The women on American Idol aren't really good this year. The men seem to be a little better this year. The grey-haired singer is on now. Woo!He mentioned something about wearing a "toboggan" on his head to cover his hair so people won't think he's old. WOO!
An elderly man drove his car into a school for the blind. 27 kids wear a little shaken up and some treated for minor injuries. There had been past near incidents near this school with a hidden driveway after a curve, but no one saw this coming. I kill me!

Friday, February 24, 2006

Dear Gentle Reader,

I am sorry I have been so behind in my posts. Most days I have been in a food coma and unable to post since it was so late. I finally got around to a Valentine's day celebration. I first woke up with a severed horsehead next to me with a note pinned to it that I should take my wife to dinner.
We went to out favorite place here in Tampa Bay. Cafe Ponte was something we stumbled upon
and have enjoyed it as much as Wolfgang Puck. He goes there when he is in town selling his crappy soup on the Home Shopping Network. Their production is just down the road and the big-haired blonde shills their crap, but lives in Oklahoma City. Nice commute, but she stays in one of the best hotels in the area, gets driven around by the Vice-President of fashion in a Grand Marquis. You think they would drive something better and the guy only tips $5. Worth millions, drives a car thaqt would blow up when hit from behind and gives shitty tips. Nice combo. Have you ever tried Wolfgangbang's soup? Better off eating a broken salt shaker. Thankfully, the food at Cafe P is some of the best I have had in the Bay area. I like the steak here better than Bern's. Bern's is legendary in Tampa, but after having more than one bad experience, I'm not holding the place in high regard. Even after trying the Chateaubriand I was still unimpressed. At Cafe P, I should have taken pictures of the dinner and desserts, my wife and I were served. The chef left Clearwater to work at Taillevent, some critics favorite in Paris. The presentation is always amazing. I had the double lamb- lamb chops and lamb stew and an appetizer of quail, thanks Dick! My wife had duck with a mango-scotch bonnet sauce and foie gras. A bottle of Sophia by Coppola accompanied the meal. For dessert was a peanut butter fudge sundae which was paired excellently with a single malt, Bunnahabhain, from Islay. My wife ordered the petit fours that are handrcrafted daily by the onsite pastry chef. Included were passion fruit candy, white tea cream, assorted chocolate bites and a raspberry linzer. Even though she had coffee, she promptly lapsed into a food coma when we arrived home. I have to give a nod to our waiter, Santino, who is a professional waiter, and has remembered us by name everytime we have been served by him. We were sitting next to the owner's parents and it was nice to see we received the same treatment. The next night I grilled swordfish and fell alseep on the couch while watching trotting with the c-listers. I mean, Dancing with the Stars, maybe I'll save that rant for Sunday night. Then there is American Idol, Skating with the Stars and the Oy-limp-icks ending this weekend. I'll catch up on that later. I shall leave you with this quote, kudos to those that remember,

"The 1961 Ferrari, two-fifty GT California. Less than a hundred were made. My father spent three years restoring this car. It is his love, it is his passion...It is his fault he didn't lock the garage."

So in the spirit of that, I present this dumbass who waited 2 years to pick up his $200,000 car, put 9 miles on it and... probably climaxed,here. I kill me!

Monday, February 20, 2006

Quick takes...

A quick review of events from the past few days...
The Good- spring training for baseball has started
The Bad- the cluster F that is the WBC
The Ugly- another year of Barry Bonds

Good- John McEnroe wins doubles title, which may signal something fun to watch for the upcoming majors
Bad- Tiger leaves Nissan Open on Saturday when 11 shots back
Ugly- Ricky Williams of the Miami Dolphins screws up again! What were the odds of the happening?

G- 5'9" guard wins Slam Dunk contest
B- Detroit backups come in to help win LeBron MVP title
U- nobody cares

G- 90 million people watch Super Bowl
B- 25 million watch Olympics
U- video of Katie Couric (getting crapped on by bird) on websites get more views

G- US gets first ice dancing medal in 30 years- anyone know we had a chance?
B- People with Nike contracts and their own website- zero medals
U- Tony Stewart- last year's NASCAR champ hits another car to guarantee loss in most
important race of the year

And finally-
Damn Good- Jamaican watches Cool Runnings, moves to Canada,wins silver in bobsledding.
Kinda Bad- Swedes watch "Miracle on Ice" get pumped up and defeat US
Really Bad- Bon Jovi performing as the opening act for the Daytona 500
Weird- Jay Leno driving pace car at Daytona, not Larry the Cable Guy?
Fugly- Austrian coach flees police, crashes car, ends up in Psych Ward after doping raid

Sunday, February 19, 2006

Lazy Sunday

Not much going on today. I would like to just sit on the couch, watch hockey and the Daytona 500. US vs Sweden is tied right now, start of the second period. I have scoured the paper and news websites for something interesting to rant about but its been quiet. Damn popup, oh, Norton wants to do an update. But first they want money to renew the subscription. Hey Norton! Go tell Ralph to pound sand! I think since the big crash, this laptop has never had a problem with a virus. This is because I don't do downloads anymore. I had an anti-spyware program that wasn't catching anything except its own spyware. So I uninstall it and the entire computer shits the bed. I had to get the hard drive installed on a second computer to recover all my files. Actually, all of my wife's files for her doctorate degree. So now everything is on a CD in case I do something stupid again.
OK, here's something. Shani Davis wins gold in speed skating and becomes the first African-American to win a gold medal in the Winter Olympics. Nice Guy 1- Ugly American 0. Why do we continue to look like complete asshats to the rest of the world when we should be the shining star? The US women lost their hockey game and the goalie skated off the ice after slamming her helmet down and not participating in the endgame handshake. Even the Soviet team in 1980's loss to the Miracle on Ice team shook hands. To skip it is bush league, equivalent to the kid in Little League who would spit on his hand after a loss.
Finally, poor Nick Lachey is asking for jewelry and other items back from Jessica Simpson. Poor guy had no idea he was marrying such a tramp. Part of the problem is his career has stalled a little and her's has done fairly well. His brother is on Dancing with the Stars. Did Nick pass this up? Who really knew of the brother (his name, don't know, don't think anyone will care after show is over) when he was in the boy band. Jessica meanwhile, has whored herself out for the Dukes of Hazzard and Pizza Hut plus she gets a Razzie and probably VD from Johnny Knoxville or the guy from Maroon 5. I would look up his name for you, but I just don't think anyone cares.
I kill me!

Saturday, February 18, 2006

How fit are you?

What's the last thing a redneck says before he dies?
Hey, ya'll... WATCH THIS!!

The Darwin awards are in for the biggest dumbasses of 2005.
Just in case you haven't heard of these before, the Darwins go to people who have successfully removed themselves for the human genepool. Did you hear about the guy whose whole left side was cut off? He's all right now, so he only gets an honorable mention. Its your usual list of morons that are a few sandwiches short of a picnic, a few tacos short of a combo meal, a few beers short of a six-pack, a few noodles short of a chow mein, a few toppings short of a Deluxe Pizza, the hard drive is spinning but the OS hasn't been installed, the wheel is spinning but the hamster is dead, half a bubble off plumb, dumb as a bag of hammers, not rocket surgeons, about as sharp as a marble, have an IQ of about room temperature in a freezer, couldn't pour water out of a boot with instructions on the heel, missing a few buttons on his remote control, dumb as a donkey, has the parachute but is missing the ripcord, would lose a debate with a doorknob, are a few Bradys short of a bunch. Most of the time these short bus card holders seem like they came from the pee flavored kiddie section of the gene pool. God, has put his foot in their ass for their stupidity. Of course, there is a contribution from Florida, "Watch what I can still do!" Dumbass! Obviously there is something inherently wrong with humans. We are only on the lookout for our vanity. Hence the neverending search for the Fountain of Youth. Why wasn't there a search for the Fountain of Smart! I kill me!

Make your plans now!

St. Patrick's Day is only a month away and its on a Friday this year. Find an Irish pub here. I'll try to get my favorite pub on the list. Please drink Guinness. If not, find a good local beer store, probably called Beers of the World, seems like every city has one. Try to get one of these.

A couple jokes if you please:
One day, a bear and a rabbit were walking trough the woods when they saw a golden frog. The frog said 'I don't see many people, but when I do I grant them three wishes. The bear looks at the rabbit and says 'That means three each'. The bear then says, "I wish all the bears in this forest were female." The rabbit wishes for a motorbike. The bear looks at the rabbit, then says, "in fact, I wish all the bears in the next forest were female, too." The rabbit wishes for a crash helmet. The bear (getting a bit carried away), "I wish all the bears in the WORLD were female!!" Then,the rabbit puts on the helmet, revs the bike and says, "I wish that bear right there was gay" and rides away.

Old Vice Presidents Jokes Home:
Two hunters are out in the woods. One of
them collapses. His friend pulls out his
phone and calls the emergency services.
"My friend is dead what can I do?," he gasps.
"Calm down, I can help," the operator says.
"First, let's make sure he's dead."
Silence, then a shot.
"Okay," says the hunter, "now what?"

Thank You

Thank you Lindsey Jacobellis !
You have kept the Olympics interesting for my blog. All you had to do was finish the course and you could have shown off all you wanted. If you won the gold medal and made it into a nipple ring, that would have been less embarrassing. Maybe Leon can rest in peace now knowing that he is not the biggest blunder in sports anymore. No longer will it be- he pulled a Leon Lett, that shall now be forever known as a Jacobellis. I think its worthy because in Leon's case Dallas had already won by that point and Lindsey blew her chance away. She first denied she was trying too much but when they showed her the pictures she changed her story. Its hard to choose a bigger idiot in terms of throwing a good thing away and losing what you should have won. John Rocker and Al Gore come to mind. When she fell, I heard Homer somewhere... D'oh!
Meanwhile, the Hero of the Week
award goes to a Canadian mom who tackled a polar bear that had wandered into town and was a little too close to her kids. The kids, of course, were playing hockey. What else would they have been doing you might ask, that's like asking does a bear shit in the woods. For this bear, not anymore!
The Idiot of the week goes to the protesting Muslims of the world. This peaceful religion of Islam, peaceful being outlined in their Koran, are killing themselves over a cartoon. There is a bounty on the head of the artist. The illustrator of the offending cartoon should give Solomon Rushdie a call. Dozens have been killed in several countries over a cartoon depicting Mohammed as a terrorist. They are certainly not giving us any reason not to think so. Plus, anything "Western" is now inherently evil, so they burned down a KFC. MMMMMM, delicious burnt fried street chicken. I kill me!

Friday, February 17, 2006

Brokeback Mountain Dew

So this is the joke that just won't die. I haven't seen the Dew version yet but here is yet another mash up.


SFW but ads-NSFW.

Also, the continuing saga of the craptacular US Olympic team has added another member to the tremendous failure club. Johnny Weir- I'll skip the obvious, missed spectacularly in his bid for gold. Did anyone watch this? I'll admit I did. Because it was time for commercials and I was really looking for the skeleton event. No, really! I should have my man card taken away for watching male figure skating on purpose. My schadenfreude tank was running a little low and I was hoping for a crash after they announced he was going for a quad-triple-double combo. Of course, no combo and he looked half dead on the ice. I guess he didn't have enough vodka and cocaine for this routine. I guess maybe he should give Kate Moss a call or get liquored up with Bode. I kill me!

Thursday, February 16, 2006

More cowbell !!

I have heard it at many ski events and I don't understand the need for cowbells. Anyways, the Olympics was beat in the ratings last night by American Idol. I think NBC needs to rethink their line up and put curling on at night. They have put too much stock into Apolo- my girlfriend's ass is gigantic- Ono. He hasn't managed anything worthwhile yet. Apolo and Bode need to team up. Would be joining long list of excellent duo's, like Tango and Cash, Bill and Ted, and Jack Quinn and Yaz.
Speaking of ratings, I know we are in sweeps week, but who is producing Grey's Anatomy? Did they secretly hire Jerry Bruckheimer? First a fantasy shower scene, then the bomb squad expert blows up. Didn't see that one coming, I thought the main character of the show was going to blow up! I kill me!

Crying Idiots

Anybody catch American Idol last night? Hiring managers beware! God forbid anyone gets these blubbering fools applying for a job at their company. If you're going to cry, there had better be some pain. Like the girl from the US downhill ski team. She crashes real bad, is crying loud enough for a camera- acres away- to pick up her cries, and gets airlifted off the slope. But unlike most of the rejected contestants, she sucks it up, gets back on her skis, still in pain, and I think she still finished eighth. That's eight in the world people. I want her on my team.
How about Jeremy Bloom. Tells the NCAA "go suck it", almost medals and is now headed to the NFL combine. Maybe the American Idiot rejects and Maurice Clarett will learn something from this guy also. Is he the next Bo Jackson? "Bloom knows...." Maybe Bode is a commercial guy also, for Budweiser and Krispy Kreme. Fat, drunk and stupid is no way to go though life.
I kill me.

Wednesday, February 15, 2006

one more and done for the day.

Cool pic

(The title is also a link.)
I live in the Lightning Capital of the World. I wish I had a camera when I was upclose and personal with lightning a few years ago. In the middle of the worst downpour I had ever been in, with so much lightning, I thought Zeus's children had gotten into daddy's toolbox. Ride the Lightning playing on the radio, ok not really but that would have been cool.
I see in the rear view mirror what I thought was a spotlight coming from the rollbar of a truck directly behind me. Then I hear a crash of thunder that rattled the car. Turns out the truck behind me did not have a spotlight or a roll bar. I may have been looking a ball lightning.

I'm watching Lost and drinking Glenlivet.

The Olympic Games are on and NBC is doing its best to ruin any real interest. Across two hundred countries, people are asking "Is there anything else on?" Ok fine, other countries have a real interest because they have no real sports. Where else but in Norway can you be a professional ski jumper and support your family that way.
I think its all really bringing out the redneck in us all. The exact same thing that makes people watch NASCAR and laugh at guys getting hit in the groin. I think every sport except curling has the potential for a fatal incident. Olympians in their quest for quest for the gold have already crashed in the luge (lugers- sounds like losers- stupid French), downhill skiing, ski jumping, speed skating and best of all... pairs figure skating.
So, one of the required elements is to fling you partner as far and as high as possible across the ice to spin around three or more times and land on one skate without snapping any major ligaments or bones. I suppose it helps that the Chinese skater that crashed during an attemped quadruple spin probably weighs about 80 lbs. I weigh over 250 now and my wife thought I was going to go through the floor after standing on a chair to change a lightbulb. She proceeds to miss the landing and slam her body into the ice. Any other country might have quit. Short Round is hurt but there is no way she is going to let the Chinese government kill her family for not performing. They sit down to see their scores and I hear the coach tell them (I know Mandarin), " You did good, get back cat." Short Round says "But, I had a dog." Coach- "Is cat now!"
I kill me!

Here goes nothing.

Vice-President Cheney allegedy sprayed a fellow hunter with shot gun pellets. Ok.... let's say what really happened... HE SHOT THE GUY!!! Why else would he be airlifted to a hospital and put into intensive care. Maybe because he is almost eight, but if you are listed as stable, that's not a good sign. Stable can get worse quickly, especially in intensive care. Then the guy has a heart attack. Next time I'm in Washington, I'm going to wear bright orange as a safety precaution. Hold on... what's that? Great, the lawyer was wearing an orange vest.
Ok enough of that. My first rant, I kill me!

Update!!! Thesmokinggun.com
Has the police report about the Cheney- that's not Dan Quayle incident. Strong possibility that Cheney was drunk. That's why they waited so long to report the incident. Also, a pellet was removed from the lawyer's heart. Didn't know lawyers had evolved enought to have a heart yet.